so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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