John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
