MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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