i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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