im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
