If that was your dad, he is hot
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
