I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize