My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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