Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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