I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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