I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
