I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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