i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
