I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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