My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
