oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
