dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
