Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
