My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
