Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
