He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
