Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
