They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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