I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Man, jail baloney is awful.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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