You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
