There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
