The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
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