You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
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Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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