We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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