Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize