I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
