I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
