rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
