My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
