Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
