This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
