Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i now understand why vodka
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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