I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
