If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
