Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If that was your dad, he is hot
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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