The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
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Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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