maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
sarcasm needs its own font
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
