The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
