I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
