The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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