Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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