Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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