Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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