2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
