Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
