Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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