Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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