Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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