Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
