I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think i got beer on your cat.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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